The importance of being eldest

The idea that good-natured, obedient, rule-abiding mama's boys never cause problems to others, is bullshit.

Amit, my room-mate is an ideal kid. Why ? Get a load of this...

• he doesnt drink,
• he doesnt smoke,
• he doesnt ogle at girls,
• he doesnt participate in discussions about girls, or any discussion which your mom might consider wild,
• he gets up early, takes bath early, says a prayer and leaves for office, selecting the means of transport which would cost the least.

Man... can I visualise a beaming proud mom behind this guy.

All these are quite admirable.... but for the following sixth point.

• He respects people older than him.

Now, Manish is a senior. He has had a stint in another company before he landed in Hyderabad. (Kaushik, Amit and I are fresh out of BITS). That makes him older and umm....(I wont say wiser) elder. (I dont care if I have to twist the English a bit to avoid praising Manish)

Well, the red-hot young men that we are, wit is something which is first-nature to us... there's hardly a minute without some kind of teasing or leg-pulling between us - which invariably ends in one guy being laughed at by the rest.... only until he comes up with a retort.

Manish, Amit and I were walking towards our apartment after dinner. I was in my own world dreaming about I dont know what.... when I got a vague feeling of Manish pulling Amit's leg. I listened in on the conversation...

'Saale.. kya dekh raha tha ?'
Apparently some hot babe had passed by and my guess is Amit turned in that direction. Now I want to make two things clear here.
Its impossible that a babe passes by without me noticing everything about her. Its only that, after a lot of practise, its become an automatic activity for me. (Remember how mechanical driving becomes, if you have been doing that for quite a while ?). That's the first point.
The second is, Amit definitely wouldnt have looked at the girl. But Manish was least bothered.

'I was looking at the oranges... maybe we should get some'
(Yeah.. that is it.. there was a fruit seller nearby and Amit was obviously looking in that direction.)

'Whose oranges do you wanna get?' Manish retorts.
I couldnt stop laughing. Mind you.. its not that I wasnt trying.

'Samjha ki nahi ?' Manish asks when Amit purposely maintains a stony face.

'Of course I got it, I've known you two for more than six months. I know what you are getting at.'

Something doesnt seem right to me.
'Wait a minute.. how is it six months ?'

'August, September, October, November, December.... six.... uh.. five months' which only makes our laughing worse. Manish is almost rolling... a bit exaggeratedly... he actually doesnt care if its not a big joke.. all he wants to do is screw Amit.

'Whoa !' I cry out... as I get a solid kick on my rear.

'Come on.. what did I do ? It is Manish who's laughing like a nut !'

'You started the whole thing.'

'!!!!'

We get back and switch on the TV. Kal Ho Na Ho is playing on Sony. Amit who is a die hard Kal Ho Na Ho fan (more about that in a later post) has his eyes glued to the screen.

Now, people who've seen the movie (and remember the opening) would know that there's a pretty unique camera work when the titles go up initially... there's Preity Zinta running and the camera zeroes in on her every now and then from behind. (Note this - from behind)

'I like this idea... of squares zeroing in to focus her' Amit volunteers.

'I know what you like about it.' Manish smirks.

As Amit turns to let out a rude stare... 'Oka has known you for more than four years and I have known you for more than four months. Do you want me to count the months?'

'This time I really lose it.. I am laughing my ass off when Amit unleashes a series of kicks on my much-tortured bum.'

As I curl up, I cry out 'Hey what did I do ? This is so fucking unfair !!'

'I cant hit Manish because he's elder. So you have to bear the punishment on his behalf'

I hate Momma's precepts.

From "Invincible" to the "Wild Animal"

I was absolutely fascinated by the computer when I saw one at my friend's place the first time.

Now this friend is an amazing exaggerator. He's a Gujju and hence is born with a business sense, and the ability to talk convincingly. I guess he talks to all his friends as if he's dealing with a customer.
Everytime I went to his place, he had something to show me which would both overwhelm and fascinate me.

When he was demonstrating to me the computer (which was an expensive 386 with DOS running on it) he did it to perfection. And somehow he selected the perfect thing that would influence me - a car racing game. My jaw hung open and it remained that way throughtout the time I walked back to my home.

After that I launched into an elaborate strategy to get my parents to buy me a computer. I somehow got my Dad into thinking that software is hot, and that Mom should study it. My Mom enrolled herself into a computer course, and then I managed to convince her that she would need a computer if she has to learn anything at all.

Before long I was playing the car racing game, trying to beat all the records my friend had set. (And yeah.... my parents' experiment with software had already stopped by then)
The day I beat his record, I couldnt wait to brag about it to my friend.

My lips stitched themselves shut, as he ridiculed me for playing that age-old car racing game. He showed me a 3-D first person game (Wolf-3d.. if anyone wants to know) which was absolutely awesome.
I took a bus back to my place, with my jaw dropped open.

Some time later, I got the brand new OS - Windows 95 installed on my computer (thanks to my excellent fooling... ahem... convincing skills). An hour later, I was knocking on the gujju's door.
'Hey... I wanna tell you something.'
He says 'Forget all that... I will show you something which will blow your mind'
We go into a room, and sitting proudly on a table is a brand new colour screen monitor with a pentium CPU nearby. On its side are speakers which produce music with amazing clarity.
Predictably, I cycle back with my jaw somewhere near my feet.

It took me three years to get a system with an equivalent capacity. In the meantime I got into a good university... the second best in India actually, and was doing quite well there. It was located pretty away from Chennai, my hometown. So we werent in contact that often.

Yes.. these kind of incidents happened everytime I went to his place when I was back for the holidays. But somehow I got used to it by then, and learnt to keep my jaw in its place.
(The latest thing - I land up a job in Oracle, and I am discussing about it with this guy over the phone, when he tells me that he's opened his own company. He's taken a small internet cafe for lease in which he and his team work late into the night !!)

Well, I have deviated completely from the subject. I was just trying to convey my fascination for computer games.

There's this game called the 'Age of Empires' - a long strategy game (usually runs into hours) wherein you have to manage a kingdom (each player manages a kingdom). I had played this game quite often in my college and was pretty good at it (I dont have the benefit of hindsight when I say this). So I was pretty much keen to participate in the games played over the network by my colleagues at my company.

The first game, I have my screen-name (Its the name of your kingdom in the game) as "Invincible".
Pre-game, when the participating players are chatting... (a snapshot)

Invincible: Hi guys !

Invincible: Ready for AOE ??

Nav: Hi..you are new. Whats your name ?

Invincible: [beep] (I say my name here)

Nav: Are you a good player?

Invincible: I am pretty good, I think.

Invincible: I used to play against 4 players in my college and still beat all of them singlehandedly.

Nav: Oh..

Nav: In that case, why dont you be in the opposing team.
(All the players usually group themselves into two team of opposing kingdoms pre-game)

Invincible: No probs :)

Invincible: [to team] Guys we'll kill them !

Invincible: [to team] They wont know what hit them !

20 minutes later. My kingdom is in ruins. There are elephants and horses running all over the place which used to my kingdom a bit earlier (which umm... is the start of the game). There's a solitary villager standing at the corner of my map. Just when I make up my mind to rebuild my kingdom (villagers can gradually build entire kingdoms) using that particular guy, he's killed by a bow-man.

Extra Information: Remember the elephants and horses I was talking about ? They were all part of Nav's army.

The next game is a few days later. I'll give you a snapshot of the chat which happened pre-game.

(as soon as I enter)

Error: Who's Wild Animal ?

Wild Animal: [beep] (again.. my name)

Error: I think he's new.. are you good at the game?

Wild Animal: No, I am a beginner.

Nav: He has played before. He was "Invincible" in the previous game.
(I curse his memory here)

Son of Phat: Oh..ok.
(There's a pause in the chatting here, wherin I get an absolutely irritating vision of each one of them clutching hard at their stomachs trying to control their laughing)

Son of Phat: Teams ?

Nav: Me, Cyclops and Error vs. Son of Phat, Savage and Wild Animal.

Son of Phat: HAHAHA !! Are you kidding ?? The game would be over in 20 minutes.

Nav: Okay, you suggest then.

Son of Phat: Okay, how about this... You, Savage and Wild Animal vs. Cyclops, Error and me.

Nav: Thats not fair.. its 2 vs. 3

Error: But you are the best player, and its only fair that you should get Wild animal.

Nav: But..
(a lot of chatting goes on, debating the teams. Finally Nav settles for Son of Phat's proposal)

Nav: Hey.. wild animal are you there ???

Wild Animal: Yes.

Nav: Shall we start ?

Wild Animal: Ok.

Some statistics: (Note: They are approximate)

Screen Name in Game 1: Invincible
Screen Name in Game 2: Wild Animal

Duration of survival by Invincible in Game 1 : 21 minutes.
Duration of survival by Wild Animal in Game 2 : 1 hour 43 minutes.
(Hint: Opposing players try and attack the strongest player first)

Total number of chat messages by players in Game 1 : 46
Total number of chat messages by players in Game 2 : 89
(Hint: Players had a tough time deciding whose team would 'bear' the joker in the second game)

Total number of chat messages by Invincible in Game 1 : 31
Total number of chat messages by Wild Animal in Game 2 : 4
(Hint: Not required)

My screen name is still 'Wild Animal'.
Time is the best healer they say. But I hope time causes selective amnesia.

Dating rules.

I am a die-hard Yahoo messenger flirt.

The girls I flirt with are usually whom I know very well, and whom I've taken time to know for the sole reason that they are witty.
My flirting style is unique. I bring into my flirting my other qualities like frankness, straightforwardness and perversion.
Of course, I am not gonna talk too much about the results of my 'frank' flirting.

One conversation is worth mentioning all the same. It went something like this... (Lets call her Jess)

Me: So tell me, will you come with me for a date on Christmas ?

Jess: depends on your behaviour from now !

Me: Do you want me to address you 'My Lady' everyday from now ? Or should it be 'Your highness'... or do you want me to hold the door open for you ? Do you want me to kiss your hand ?

Jess: =))

Me: Well, I can kiss your hand, but it might not be accurate... the kiss can well land somewhere else.

Jess: Chi..chi..chi.

Me: Well, in case you say yes, I have my own conditions for it....

Me: Here are my 4 golden rules of dating.
1) you should laugh at every joke of mine... however non-funny it is.
2) you should bat your eyelashes when i look deep into your eyes.
3) you should pay the bill
4) and finally after the date, you should share a long, passionate kiss with me, in the moonlight.

Jess: Screw urself !!!!

Jess: =)) =))

Me: You think, I am kidding ?? Well, I am dead serious.. so when's our date ?

Jess: After all your conditions, NEVER ! =))

Jess: Hey..wait.. be right back in a while.

Me: Where are you going ?? Why dont you stand and face it like a woman ??

(she comes after a while)

Jess: You face it like a man ------> NO.

Me: :(

(The chat conversation is censored after this, as it is considered detrimental to the author's ego.)

Bottomline - My room-mates are rascists.

"Jhoot Bole Kauwa kaate...."
"Kaale Kauwe se dariyo"

Chances are that you might have heard this song.

When I was selecting the template for my blog, I came upon one with a black background.
Now nothing inspires me more than the black colour. I absolutely love it.

To know why, you should know a few more details about my glorious personality, espeically my looks.
Well, I am a tall, dark and..... ummm... well I am a tall and dark guy.
(I was about to complete the phrase tall, dark and handsome... when suddenly the stark reality struck me.
Well, 2 out of 3 is good enough !!)

And I dont know why, but wherever I go, there have been millions of jokes about my dark skin. I like to think that it is because my friends just dont have any other thing about which they can pull my leg. Meaning, I am simply perfect in everything else. (I said.. I like to think like that.)

And there cant be people better (or is it worse) at this than my room-mates.
Check this out...

Incident No. 1
I come out of the bathroom, after a face wash. I find a towel (which is Manish's) hanging on the door knob. I go over and wipe my face.
Manish: Now I know why my towel is getting black stains.
Amit who was reading a book and who was a picture of concentration till then, bursts out laughing while I pick up the soft-ball lying nearby and target Manish's ass.

Incident No. 2
I live in an apartment with three other friends - all of us bachelors.. young blood... fiery naujawans... creative thinkers... bold entrepreneurs....... okay stop.

There's a lady who delivers food at our door-step through a delivery-boy.
Incidentally the delivery-boy happens to be a north-indian, and both Amit and Manish happen to speak Hindi as their mother-tongues or almost like that.

This delivery-boy also happened to be particularly, (In hindsight - irritatingly) talkative.
So we got talking.

After a conversation which wasnt unpleasant this guy gets ready to leave. He says, (in Hindi) (looking at Manish) "Aap tho Chandigarh ke hain", (looking at Amit) "Aap Maharashtra ke..." (and then he looks at me) "Our aap tho south indian hain... kaale hai to kya hua.... dilwale hain."

My mouth which until then was wide in a smile, closed at record speed. Amit and Manish tortured their lips by biting them hard to control bursting out in laughter.

Well not for too long... The guy left, and these guys were rolling on the floor laughing at my expense.

All I could manage was a silly idiotic smile.

Incident No. 3
There's a photo session going on. Its a birthday party at 12 midnight, and we are having amazing fun.
We are clicking away with aplomb.
After a lot of funny snaps, we gather for a group snap.
Kaushik is the clicker. Looking through the viewfinder.. he gets the people to move inside the camera's view.
Finally he says, "Hey, I cant find Oka in the viewfinder..."

Amit: No problem... Oka... smile !

Kaushik: Aah..... perfect !!

The clincher
How many of you have had songs written in admiration for your qualities.
I am sure not many.

Well, I've been great enough to have a song written for me.
Listen to this...

"Jhoot Bole Oka kaate..."
"Kaale Oke se dariyo."
- Amit Deshpande

The one and only serious post.

Note: This is the only post which you can read and actually think of the possibility that I was sober and serious while writing it.

Well guys... I've jumped onto the bandwagon (is that the word?).
Let me introduce myself... I'm Oka (real name withheld) and I'm an ex-BITSian.

So, I'm gonna tell you the reason I've decided to blog. :) Listen up...

The best thing I got of BITS is the sheer number of amazing friends. I was outrageously shy in my school days, and its been quite a transformation in the four years I've been in BITS.

I call these friends great because when we get together, its absolutely amazing the way we keep laughing throughout.
Wit, to me, is the best charmer. And teasing your friend is probably the best way to improve the quality of your friendship. :)
(Believe me, I've made quite a study into the pros and cons of teasing, and I was just about warming to a particular idea, when I found out that there's already a book on it. Its not that I am not creative or brilliant, it is just that some people have a headstart and think of it earlier. Not fair.)

I'm gonna put in this blog all the amazing conversations I've had with my buddies. In between these, I might sneak in a thoughtful and intense post that'll get you thinking. (on why you ever started reading my blog) :)

So read on.
And find it funny. :)