Deshpande, Amit Deshpande.

It was beautiful.

The evening sky was clear, without a speck of cloud. The scattered stars decorated its vast expanse with the full moon smiling gloriously among them. Directly below, from the placid waters of the Hussain sagar lake, shone his near-perfect reflection.

The gentle breeze ruffled her long hair and a few beautiful strands fell across her lovely face. She turned away from the heavenly view of the lake to look at me.
She smiled.

She was beautiful.

Leaning across the table, I whispered into her ear. She immediately broke into giggles - sounding like a dozen wind chimes dancing to the tune of the wind. I couldnt take my eyes away from her magnificent beauty.

As those melodious peals of her laughter faded into the evening, she slipped her palm over mine. She smiled like an angel. Oh, how weak in the knees I went when she smiled like that.
The gentle breeze lightened further, and for a second everything was perfectly still.

Gently she sang...

"With their guns, and their bombs... "

I didnt even think about the relevance of the song, as I closed my eyes and got totally lost in the magic of her voice.

"..and their tanks, they are fighting..."

Something was happening to her voice. It wasnt the same.

"In your head.... in your head..."

Something was really wrong. It wasnt the same sweet voice. In fact it was anything but sweet. She sounded gruff and harsh now. What was happening ? And why was I finding it so difficult to open my eyes ?

"Zombie... zombie.."

It was turning into an absolute cacophony. The voice (if I could call that one) had taken an irritatingly grating quality - like a million toads croaking all at once.
It wasnt a song anymore. It was noise. In its purest form.

"ZOMBIE !!"

My eyes flew open.

In place of the magnificient view, stood my magnificently cluttered room. The Hussain Sagar had shrunk to a puddle of water on the floor - something which Manish had done the day before and I had forgotten to wipe it up. (Nothing drastic. He had just spilt a glass of water). Maybe the light on my mosquito repellent had been the brilliant moon. The fan accounted for the 'breeze'.

Wait a minute.. what about my ravishing beauty? I looked up from my pillow, and found someone meddling with something in the cupboard.

Amit.

"Zombie !! Zombie !!"

And his hair was anything but long and silky. In fact, a porcupine would better resemble his head.
Can the day's start BE any worse ? Trust Amit to rescue me from a lovely dream and throw me into a nightmare.

Amit is our Tansen. He is capable of a million things just with his outstanding voice. When he 'sings', the following could happen.

• A grid failure and a power blackout in Hyderabad. (Remember, Tansen could bring the lamps back on. It would take a million Tansens to repair the damage Amit would cause).
• The mosquitos in our apartment would fall dead quicker than due to any repellent man has ever discovered and would ever discover.
• People in a radius of 1 km would close all their windows and doors, and go into hiding. I've heard that people have even started constructing bunkers. I've also heard that ladies silence their wailing babies by just dropping Amit's name.
• Dogs and cats run helter skelter. The few who were unfortunate enough not to escape Amit's wrath.. I mean.. talent would be picked up by dog vans the next day, with their eardrums shattered and hair standing right up in a state of shock.

Okay.
His 'singing' is not that catastrophic. But I am sure he is trying to improve upon his voice and I am worried about the consequences. Someone ought to tell him that he's no Indian Idol.
I am sure millions did, but someone has to tell him in a way that'd shut him up for good.

And its not just in this area where Amit flaunts his high-handedness and arrogance.

Some time back, Anuj's room-mate had packed his bags and left for Bangalore. Anuj was left without a room-mate and was looking for alternate means of accomodation, as he wasnt prepared to bear the full rent himself, and maybe it was much too boring for him to live alone. (He would definitely have weighed the advantages and disadvantages of solititude).

I thought we could accomodate him in our apartment, as we had quite a spacious apartment and one more person wouldnt take up too much space. (forget the fact that Anuj looks more like a bison than a human)
So we thought we could have a meeting among ourselves.

Somehow, the meeting kept getting postponed until Amit decided to take the initiative.
Look at the mail he sent out.
(The text I've reproduced is completely unabridged except for my interspersed comments).

"Hi Flatmates,

This is to bring to your notice that we have a meeting scheduled tonight @ 204, Anand Residency at 20:00 IST.

The important points in agenda to be discussed tonight are

1. Fate of Mr. Anuj. Whether we want to keep him or kick him out (I wonder how can we kick him out, before he even entered?, but then its the irony).
2. Fate of the person who promises to get the water refill this time but never fulfils it. We can even argue to replace this species in our flat with Mr. Anuj.
   (That would be me.)
3. Decide on the fate of the persons who are reluctant in washing their own plates. We can even think of replacing this person with revered Mr. Anuj.
   (That's Kaushik.)
4. Decide on the fate of the person who roams around in the flat in undies. This is another option for replacement.
   (Manish is gonna kill me for letting this one out.)
5. Decide the fate of Room No. 3 which is not being used. I am planning to shift there, but if any of you have any objection, it can be raised during the meeting.

I advise you all to be well prepared. Because it is possible that anyone of you could be kicked out for accomodating Mr. Anuj.
However sole power of descretion lies with me and I am free to reject or accept any views. (Bribes accepted with the rule "sort bribe head -1", so rush now)

The meeting will be followed by an unofficial TTMM (Tera Tu Mera Mein) dinner. Book your dinner order @ 9866228820.
(That's Manish's phone number.)

If you have any issues please let me know. But accepting them is altogether different matter @ sole descretion of mine.
Expecting to see you all.

One & Only
Amit Deshpande"

Nobody went to the meeting.

The Oxe effect

A few weeks earlier...

'I saw a really pretty girl today.'

'She was dark... like Nandita Das. Nandita Das is sexy isnt she ?'

I just nod.

'Her name's Maya. I kept looking in her direction. But she didnt turn and look at me'.

'Shit man, I think I should cut my hair'

Its been quite a while since Karthik left our team. (Refer to my previous post.) We've got over it. All the more because he has a couple of job offers in hand right now, and is debating which one to pick up.

Everything's back to normal. Pratik has gone back to being an animal, throwing his head and growling every now and then, and the rare sensitivity he showed during that period is hardly remembered.

And with the return of the daily routine, back comes the daily discussions about women and girlfriends.

I've never had a girlfriend. Pratik had one earlier but now maybe because of the company he's keeping (read Oka), he's without any relationship as well.
Manish has been way too focussed in life to have anything to do with girls.
With Amit.... girls ? whats that ?

Not that my 'success' with girls kills the die-hard flirt in me.
But it sure is funny that when I flirt with girls, they assume without a second thought that I'm kidding. I mean, surely I'm worth a second's serious thought !

You must read this chat conversation I had with Jess.

Oka: Hey why dont you change your snap on orkut ? I will tell you which one to upload.
(Orkut is a friend-networking website)

Jess: Which one ?

Oka: There was one you sent me, which was really good.

Jess: Which one ?

Oka: The one where the mail's subject was 'Fall in the ditch'.
(Well, when I saw the thumbnail of her snap on orkut, I told her that I am falling in love with her, and asked her to send me the original snap. She sent it with that subject.)

Jess: :))

Jess: You are really very cuuuuuuute.

Oka: ????

Jess: ????

Oka: What ????

Jess: yeah what ???
(She really can be exasperating sometimes.... Actually no. Knowing that she'd read this, she's exasperating all the time.)
(But really, sometimes I wonder if its a computer on the other end of the line, sending me back all these replies and laughing at me in its mechanical robotic voice)

Oka: Mad girl.

Jess: Arey !!

Jess: Ok..forget that. What are you doing ?

Oka: Working. Too much work today.

Jess: Am I disturbing you ?

Oka: Actually you are. But since you are shameless and anyways wouldnt go offline, and since I'm ever a gentleman, I would say no. You arent disturbing me.

Oka: Hey.. wait a minute. I gotta take a leak. I've been holding it for a really long time.

Jess: :D. Go.

Oka: By the way, holding it = holding the sensation. No pervert thoughts okay ?

Jess: I didnt even think of it. You are really sick. :))

Oka: That I am.

Jess: Shameless too.

Oka: That I am.

Oka: You done with abusing me ?

Jess: Yes. for now. But there's more to come. :))

Oka: You are always laughing at me :(

Jess: =)) =))

Jess: You are really really cuuuuute.
(Wow man.)

Jess: Cute doggie !!


Doggie ???? Wait a minute.... Doggie ???? I mean, Timmy back home - my pet dog, would really get angry if I tell him how strange I found this.
But still... doggie ???
I can almost visualise her petting my head, and throwing a frizbee in the air, with me running after it, taking a huge leap and making the catch perfectly with my teeth, which I then get it back to her with my tail wagging all the while.
Doggie indeed !!

Well, its not like I havent had weird experiences earlier with other women, but still fate never ceases to amuse me.

Before I turned into a flirt, before I met Jess, there was a girl whom I really was in love with. So much, that I had charted out my whole life with her in mind. My mind's quite fertile when it's excited. And she caused such excitement in my life that I had painted a vision of my life with her in brilliant colours.

A few months back she messaged me on the Yahoo messenger that she had something really important to say. She asked me to give her my phone number or call her at a number.
I called her up.

'Oka. I'm getting married !!! I'm so excited !!!'

A second's pause.
In that second, I had a distinct vision of the whole divine assembly of gods watching from the heavens above, rolling on the floor and holding their sides with laughter.
Man ! Cant believe that gods have a sense of humour as well. I thought the maximum they could do was smile while giving away boons to devotees, or frown with anger when they're destroying demons.


As I slouch on the couch on a Sunday morning in front of the television , I think that this is something every guy goes through in his life. Success in relationships is always elusive for the average guy. I mean, I really havent heard of anyone setting his sights on a girl and then in a matter of weeks going around with her.

Or have I ?

The door bell rings. Amit goes for it.
Its Kaushik. And there's someone else with him.
She has lovely eyes and sharp attractive features. Her black top outlines her sexy figure.

She's hot.

Kaushik quickly introduces us to her. He cracks a quick joke about each one of us, enough to get her laughing. I can barely keep my jaw in place.

She goes into his room. As Kaushik is about to follow her into his room, I call him.

'Hey Kaushik'

'Yeah'

'Who's she ?'

One corner of his mouth goes up in a sly smile as he runs his hand through his long wavy hair.

'Maya'.