A yelping hand.

In hindsight, it was all Kaushik's fault.

If he hadnt gone on to bond with her that day we wouldnt have had these kind of problems.
At least he should have stopped with one day's friendship. But he went to her everyday after that, muttering sweet nothings into her ear.

After a few days he gathered enough courage to hug her and stroke her chest affectionately.

And she reciprocated by licking him all over his face.

Ruby's an Alsatian. She's our neighbour Salma aunty's pet dog.
Salma aunty is herself like a huge bulldog. Now, dont get me wrong. I am not saying this with an intention to humiliate her or to sound rude. Rather I am just trying to provide a description by which you'd be able to visualise her.

But yeah, she's quite dark. She's big and obese and has a perpetual scorn on her face.
A bulldog is just about the perfect description for her.

But to her credit, she is quite social and has pretty good communication skills, which would partly explain why she frequently made small talk with Kaushik. (The other part that would explain it is the fact that she's still single).

So, the first time when she ordered some rotis and forgot to order the side dishes, Kaushik had no qualms in sharing with her, part of his rajama.
After all, you wouldnt be a good neighbour if you couldnt lend a helping hand, would you?

A couple of weeks later, I observed that Kaushik rarely went to see Ruby.
He would probably have got bored of the dog.

Well, that might be the explanation of an average guy.
Personally, I suspected that he had a couple of tooth marks on his rear. Whats more, I even found him walking strangely on his toes whenever he passed by Salma aunty's door; to avoid the dog's wrath maybe.

It became clear later on that Kaushik was trying to avoid Salma aunty and not the poor dog.
This is what led me to think in those lines.

That day, Kaushik and I were in the basement of Anand Residency, where the vehicles are parked. I was hitching a ride to office on his bike.

Just as Kaushik put his helmet on, there came Salma aunty and Ruby.

Strangely Ruby was walking behind aunty.
I found it weird because when I take Timmy, my pet dog, out for walking, he behaves as if he's the king of that area and I am his chauffeur. He literally drags me around (quite ironically, because the leash is on him).
A couple of times, I've stumbled and fallen right on my face.
By the time, he's done, I look more exhausted than him. Its a wonder how he packs so much energy in that tiny little furry body of his.

Not so, with Ruby.
Maybe she recognized the presence of a superior pedigree there and wisely chose to stay in the background.

Coming back to the situation, Salma said a hi to Kaushik and got to talking about the dog.

'Your Ruby hasnt been too well lately' she said.

'What happened to her?' said Kaushik running his hand over Ruby's back.

'I dont know. She's been dull throughout the day. She hasnt eaten anything since morning'

'Oh, thats okay, aunty. Dogs frequently take a day off when it comes to diet'. Yeah, Kaushik would definitely know about dogs.
Funny though. I've never seen Amit take a day off. In fact, its Manish who goes on fast every Thursday. Hmm.

'By the way Kaushik, did you tell the carpenter?'

'No aunty, unfortunately I havent had the time.'

'Tell him soon, okay. Just ask him to come and visit Salma's house - 202, Anand Residency. I have been waiting for the woodwork for quite a few days'.

'Okay aunty. I will do it whenever I can.'

'Thank you, Kaushik. Have a nice day.'

'You too aunty.'

As we got moving on the bike, I asked him 'Dude, what's this about the carpenter ?'

'She has been bugging me about this yaar. She wants me to go to the carpenter shop in the next lane and ask the guy to go visit her. I dont know why she cant do it herself.'

'Yeah, man. She sure can use a bit of walking. As of now, Ruby would beat her hands down in a beauty contest.'

'Whats more. She has his phone number as well. I dont know why she's after my life.'

So thats why Kaushik was tiptoeing like a criminal whenever he went past aunty's door.
It became even clearer when I picked up a couple of phone calls from aunty on the intercom that evening asking me to remind Kaushik about the carpenter.
I gleefully did that as soon as he came home.

But if I thought that she's gonna stop with the carpenter, I was quite wrong.

That morning, I had just come home after an overnight train journey from Chennai. I found aunty and Ruby at our door, talking to Amit. I caught the lower end of the conversation.

'Is she there now?' Aunty asked Amit.

'No, she's gone out for sightseeing.'

'When she gets back, tell me okay. I want to meet her'.

'Sure aunty.'

'Ok. I'll get going. Ruby has to have her walk'

'Okay aunty. See you later.'

I said a quick hi to aunty to her as she walked past me and jumped aside as Ruby walked by behind her mistress.

When she was out of earshot, 'Hey, has someone come to our house ?'

'Yeah, Manish's mom has come'

'Really?'

'Yesterday Salma aunty was telling Kaushik that two guys - her relatives were coming to visit her. She was asking if they could stay at our place, as she felt uncomfortable letting them stay with her, single that she is.'

'What ????'
I immediately imagined myself coming home and finding one guy sleeping on my bed with my shorts on, and the other blowing his nose into my tee shirt and throwing it into my cupboard.

'Yeah. Thats when Kaushik decided that Manish's mom has come to visit us.'

'You mean, he came up with this huge lie on the spur of the moment ?'

'Yeah.'

'What a screwed up lie ! What if she had asked me about Manish's mom ? I just arrived and I know nothing about it.'

'Did she ask you?'

'No she didnt. But what if she had ?'

'But did she ?'

'Oh forget it'. He would go on and on like this and I was in no mood to argue with the stubborn jackass first thing in the morning.


Well, that wasnt the end of it. The next day when I returned home from office, I found Amit looking particularly irritated.

'Whats up, man. Why are you making that pretty face?'

'She wants me to install Windows 2000 on her computer.'

'Yay !!'

'Oka. I am already pissed. Dont rub it in.'

'Kaushik is her handyman, and you are her technical support guy. How do you like it ? Do you have job satisfaction? Do you have good working conditions ? Do you face sexual harassment ?' I held an imaginary mike near Amit.

'Shut up.' he said. 'But really, I have no idea how this Windows thing hit her suddenly.'

'The brilliance shows on your face when your spectacles light up and your hair stands on its end.'

'Get lost.'

'But seriously.' I said. 'why did she pick YOU for this ?'


So thats how the situation is right now.
I havent been pressed into her service yet, and I am happy about it.

Maybe later on, she'd give jobs to Manish and me as well.
Manish would probably become her gigolo, and I would become her... umm.. I cant think of a single thing I am useful for.

What is sure is that she would sooner or later ask us to do something or the other for her. Its in her nature to know what to ask whom.

Or is it ?

A day earlier, I was chatting with aunty myself. I wanted to know where I could find a shop which would home-deliver cans of drinking water. She said we could see the shop right from her balcony, and called me in, to show me the shop.
Sure enough, there was a super store right across the road, clearly visible from the balcony.

As I crossed the room towards the door, I noticed that the house was quite well-maintained. There were quite a few wall hangings and paintings adorning the wall. The sofas looked royal between the lovely glass table in the center. There was a beautiful lamp as well.

The only thing that looked a bit out of place in that room was a computer in the corner.

'What do you do on the computer, aunty ?'

'Oh, I use it for browsing and chatting. Though I havent been using it much lately.'

'Why not?'

'It has been giving me a lot of problems.'

'What happened ?'

'The computer hangs frequently. I would be having fun chatting with one of my friends and suddenly wham ! - a blue screen would appear asking me to restart the computer. Its so irritating.'

'Hmm.' I said as I pressed a few keys on the keyboard. 'Looks like you are using an older version of Windows. Why dont you install Windows 2000 on your system ? It is considered more stable.'

'Will that help ?'

'Sure. And whats more, I know just the person who'd do it for you.'

Movers and Packers.

(Continued from the previous post)

To my credit, eventually I did manage to find answers for all those questions on the IIM-A form, by Friday the 11th of March.
Yeah, even the one on my extra-curricular activities. (I had to do a mini survey for that, but hey, people in general are quite similar in their habits and activities).

My train for Bangalore (thats where the interview was) was at 1840 hours, and packing was about the last thing on my mind. But since it was a necessary evil that has to be done anyway, I did a bit of thinking that morning about what are the things I ought to take before I leave for Bangalore.

I knew it wouldnt be too much, because I didnt unpack when I came to Hyderabad. All I would have to do was open the suitcase and drive out the cockroaches.

Maybe, I thought, I might have to take a few other things.
Now what are they.

Amit never misplaces his stuff, so toothpaste, soap and other cosmetics are taken care of.

Clothes might be a problem, because either my clothes are in the bathroom begging for the maid's attention (and getting ours through the 'heavenly' fragrance it emanates) or they are on Kaushik.

My certificates. Hmm.. Someone was complaining about running out of toilet paper a few days back. I wonder why the complaints stopped after that.

So I deduced, against natural logic, that I would have to take a leave to even think about going to Bangalore.

I had to call up my manager and convince him that it was absolutely necessary that I take the day off. When he wasnt convinced, I had to resort to a bit of acting. I told him that I was at the running all over the place to get things done, and to supplement that blatant lie, I let out a few exhausted gasps, which unfortunately sounded more like hoarse moans from a B-grade porn flick, making it all the more difficult for my manager to understand.

Well anyway, the act eventually worked and I didnt have to look for my office ID card anymore.

For the first time in weeks, I began to do some serious work....


Three hours later, I was ready. I locked the apartment, and started walking with a swagger; with the suitcase in my left hand and the briefcase in my right. I thought I looked quite a sight - a bright, macho executive walking majestically and confidently down the corridor, looking the world in its eye.

Until my neighbour's dog started barking.

My confidence dampened further, when the watchman neither gave me the salute (which he usually reserves for Kaushik), nor a warm smile (which he reserves for Amit - brotherhood perhaps) as I walked past him. If anything, his snort was more disdainful that the dog's.

Oh well, at least the auto driver stopped, I thought as I waved out to an auto.You dont get anything in this world free of cost. Not even respect.
Okay, at least I dont get it.

An hour later, I was in the Secunderabad Railway station. I looked around for the electronic board which displays which platforms the trains arrive at.

I found it a minute later, and noticed that it hadnt yet listed the platform number of my train.
So, as with most of the Indian systems, I resigned to the wait, along with quite a few others.

A little later, I realised that the people around me looking at the board werent the same as those some time back.
Wow, since when did Indian passengers run out of patience ?

Half an hour later, the board still hadnt listed my train's platform number. And more and more people were moving away from the board.

Whats wrong with them ? I mean, I can understand why the girls would move away from the place, thanks to my driving (away) force. But the others ?
Isnt patience a virtue anymore ? I thought with a tired shake of my head.

Later still, I realised that there were just 10 minutes to the scheduled departure of my train and the name still wasnt up on the board.

It was pretty elementary.
The board wasnt working.
The trains listed on the board had left hours earlier.

The funny thing is, I didnt have to look far for my train. It was standing at the first platform, almost right behind the electronic board.

Walking along the platform, I eventually came to carriage number S10 - the compartment on which I had reserved my berth - berth number 38.
Now came the interesting part. I quickly scanned the list that was stuck near the door to the compartment.

Berth 36: Priyanka Malhotra.
(Ooh.. reminds me of Priyanka Chopra ! Baby, I'm coming for you.)

Berth 37: Sushmita Malhotra.
(Must be two pretty sisters. I am gonna have a great time !)

Berth 38: Me.
(The name here is of the least importance)

Berth 39: Vinod Malhotra.
(Shit.
Bloody Daddy to spoil the party.)

But I am an obsessively positive man.
I was sure Vinod would have tired himself with all that luggage lifting, and would directly go to sleep once the train starts.

I climbed onto the compartment. I put on my most charismatic smile as I entered the bay. You see, I wanted to create a favourable first impression.

It worked.
Priyanka smiled back at me radiantly.

Only that the 'radiant' smile was toothless.
She looked at least 80 years old.

So much for the babe.

Next to Priyanka 'Grandmother-India' Malhotra, was a man who had to be Vinod. He was an unkempt, balding, bespectacled, middle-aged man. He peered over his glasses at me for a second and went back to his book.

Sushmitha who wasnt there yet was my only hope. I closed my eyes and almost prayed that Priyanka's grand-daughter Sushmitha be young and beautiful.

As if in answer to my prayers, there was a big thud. I opened my eyes, and found the surroundings dark.
Weird answer to my prayer, I thought. Usually when God appears before you to give you a boon, its blindingly bright.

But thats when it is God that appears.
When Godzilla stands in front of you, she usually blocks the lights behind her, and casts a dark shadow upon you.

I hurriedly made way for the 80-kilo heavy weight champion.

'Sussssmitaaa' rasped Vinod, 'You must be tired. Why dont you stretch yourself on this berth?'. He referred to the one I was sitting on.

"Susssmita" the obedient wife that she was, lifted both of her elephantine legs, placed them on the berth and stretched them. Until they almost kicked me off the seat.
I barely managed to stay onto the seat.

And that wasnt the only thing.
There was then a fragrance, that would put even a thousand dead rats to shame.
I nearly died.

Making a Herculean effort, I collected myself, climbed the mini ladder to the upper berth, chained my briefcase to nearby metal mesh and passed out.

The IIM Candidate

I think life is an alternating series of important, potentially life-changing days and carefree, insignifcant days. There are days when all you do is eat, spend and laugh heartily, sometimes even forgetting what day of the week it is, and then there are days which by their mere approach inspire an adrenaline rush; days you would have been thinking about for months, sometimes years in advance; days when eating, laughing and merry-making is absolutely the last thing on your mind. These are the days when you know you have to be serious, simply because a bit of seriousness would change the way you live. Drastically.

Sunday. March 13th

The day of my IIM-A interview.

As I mentioned (bragged rather) in one of my earlier posts, I took the CAT (its an exam - Common Aptitude Test) - and God's pet creation that I am, somehow managed to clear it. Consequently, I got calls from the top four Management Institutes, IIM-A, IIM-B, IIM-C and IIM-L inviting me to attend the next round of selection process, which comprised of a Group Discussion (GD) and a Personal Interview (PI).

Let me give you guys an idea of what they'd ask you in the interview - I dont know.
But its a general opinion that they normally question the candidate about their work experience, academic courses, current affairs in politics and business.

A week before the interview (March 6th), my Dad called me up to ask how the preparation was going on.

'Are you reading up the newspapers and keeping yourself updated about all the current affairs ?'

'Yes, Dad.'

'You know all about these recent assembly elections right ?'

'Yeah, Dad. Dont worry about it. I know all that.'

'Do you know which government fell in Goa very recently ?'

Guessing time.

Well, maybe I can make an intelligent guess. You see, I believe that anything can be deduced by starting with what you know and then logically and systematically eliminating alternatives.

Hmm. So what do I know.
India is a democracy.
It has a multi-party system. (Wow. Aint I omniscient ?)
Now, maybe I can eliminate the possibilty of the smaller parties forming a goverment, and focus on just the big parties with a national presence. After all, isnt there a 90 % chance of a national party capturing the state assembly as well ?
Okay, now that I'm past that irrefutable logic, what are the parties with a national presence in India ?
Congress. BJP.
Isnt this unbelievable ? I started with the statement 'India is a multi-party democracy' and I am about 1 inch close to finding out which government fell in Goa recently !! Hail Oka ! The God of logic !

'Do you know or not ?' my Dad interrupts the smooth functioning of the well-oiled machinery that my brain is.

'Yeah Dad, I know. It is...'

BJP or Congress.

'It is...'

Congress or BJP.

Inky Pinky Ponky.
Father has a donkey.
Father dies. Donkey cries.
Inky Pinky Ponky. Ponky !!

'Umm.. Congress.'

There was a second's pause on the other end.
I could visualise relief and pride replacing my Dad's anxiety, as he came to terms with the fact that his son is well prepared for his interview, after all.

'Enna da ?' ('What is this?' in Tamil)

'You dont know even the stuff which make headlines ? It was the BJP government which went through a vote of confidence and was brought down.'

So much for my guessing prowess.
I must have missed something in that Inky Pinky rhyme.

Great start to the day. Now my parents must be anxious as well as disappointed.
I started pacing the apartment wihtout speaking a word. Thats what I do when I am in deep thought. I walked to every nook and crook of the apartment. I am not sure if anything came out of all that pacing, but it sure did prompt Manish to comment that if I do this on a regular basis, we can pay the housemaid less and ask her not to sweep the floor.

Finally, I decided to have a look at the form. IIM-A had sent me a form to be filled up. Besides the regular questions about my academic performance, degree, name, sex etc, they had also asked a series of questions apparently testing my motivation and aptness for the MBA course.

There was a question about my extra curricular activities and the prizes and awards that I have received. I thought I will tackle that first as it sounded pretty simple. I made myself comfortable on the bed and started thinking about it.

15 minutes later. No idea.
Maybe the question is not that simple after all.

30 minutes later.
I always knew I had a short memory.

1 hour later.
Maybe I should look at my certificates. I'll definitely find something there.
Umm... where are my certificates?

2 hours later.
I find my 10th and 12th marksheet in the folder with "all" my certificates. The other pages are all empty. What the hell was I doing all my life ???
No. I must have done something. Let me rack my brains a little longer.

3 hours.
Snore....Snore....

4 hours later, I woke up, and found my certificates flying around in the room. For a second I panicked. Then realisation dawned on me and I thanked God that I wasnt home in Chennai, and there's no Timmy here (Timmy is my pet dog - he lives with my parents back in Chennai).

Timmy, when he was very young and going through the chewing phase (its a phase in a dog's life where he has this irresistable urge to chew on anything and everything), had had my Chemistry Record for breakfast once.
The important thing was, it was the day when I had to submit it to my Chemistry instructor.

I had no option but to take the half-chewed record to my teacher. The lady, kind that she was, gave a benevolent look at my panic-striken face, took me to the cafeteria and got me a plate of biscuits.

As you can see, that left a pretty deep impression on me. (Not that I didnt gobble down those biscuits.)

Anyway, I gathered all my certificates, put them back in the folder and dumped it in my cupboard somewhere in between all the crumpled clothes. I took up the form again, and with renewed energy obtained from all those hours of sleep, decided to attack the questions again.
I decided to leave the extracurricular question for later.
Another question looked promising.

'What are your strengths and weaknesses with respect to a career in management ?'

Let me start with my strengths.

15 minutes. No idea.

Oh God !! Not again !!!!

I am gonna learn from my mistake, and not waste time over something which anyway is not gonna occur to me.

Over to weaknesses.
Now what are my weaknesses ?

Lazy.
Perverted.
Annoying.
Irritating.
Pathetic.
Habitually indecisive.
Logically impulsive.
Socially repulsive.
High frustration levels.
Low tolerance levels.
Zero confidence levels.
...
... (I dont count on readers to have so much patience)
...
Jackass.
Smart-ass.

51 records found. Search time: 0.0041 seconds.

I put the form back into its cover, and switched on the TV.

(To be continued.)

Your reputation precedes you.

It was a lazy weekend morning. I wasnt home. I had gone to Bangalore for a couple of days.
Kaushik wasnt home either.
But that wasnt as surprising. He's rarely home on weekends.

So the only people home were Amit and Manish.

Manish wakes up earlier than any one else in the house. Usually when I'd get up, I'd find Manish leaving the house. There have been times when I've woken up and found the house quiet and empty. (Not quite, because I'd go to Kaushik's room and find a big lump under the bedsheets.).

Amit wakes up a little later than Manish. But he's so quick in getting ready that he'd leave the house with Manish. He pops into the bathroom and pops out before you can even blink.
Its really a mystery how he's so fair-skinned.

That day they happened to wake up at around the same time.
A little while later, after dozing off and waking up again a couple of times, both finally made it to the bathroom.

There in the bathroom, it didnt look as if they were making any progress with the essential daily activities, because Manish kept throwing stuff around in the little shelf over the wash basin.

'Hey Amit, I'm not able to find the toothpaste yaar.'

'Yeah, I tried looking for it as well. I cant find it either'

After searching a little while longer, they stand outside the bathroom with their palms on their hips, and look at each other for a second.

They nod in a common understanding.

'Oks.'


I think friendship is dangerous.
It lets out a little too much about you to your friends. Over a period of time they start knowing you too well for your comfort. They start predicting what you'd do.

You start getting a reputation.

Anything missing, any loss, any damage, anything broken in the apartment is immediately attributed to one person.

Me.

They do it with such unerring regularity that I have begun to automatically blame myself if something goes wrong in the house.

(By the way, they were right. The toothpaste mysteriously was found in my kit when I returned from Bangalore.)

(And yeah, it wasnt my toothpaste.)

Well, luckily this phenomenon of getting a reputation is something not limited just to me. The others are famous as well.
Look what happened once.

After a hard day in office, Manish and I happened to find each other at the bus stop. Luckily that day, we didnt have to wait for an empty bus. One came along, and we boarded it acrobatically.

As we were ambling the small distance from the bus stop to our home, I noticed a new apartment complex which I hadnt seen earlier.

'Manish, check out this building. Looks new. '

'Hmm'

'Nice isnt it? Looks like a hostel though'

'Wow.. hope its a girls' hostel'

'What difference is it gonna make to our barren lives ?'

'What are you saying? I'd get a pair of binoculars and check out the girls from our terrace.'

'Hmm. Not a bad idea' I said as I warmed to this idea. 'And we could divide it by 4 !'

It is an unwritten rule in our house. The cost of any purchase would immediately be put down in the common pool to be borne equally by all the flat occupants.

Another unwritten rule is that everyone would immediately try to detach himself from the purchase so that he doesnt have to contribute.

'No yaar. Amit definitely wouldnt contribute to this. So it can be divided by just 3'.

'Hmm. You are right, though I think that he can always use a close-up view of birds and trees'. I said as I pondered over this.
'Coming to think about it, it would eventually be divided between just the two of us.'

'How?'

'I will tell you why.
We would both be on the terrace using the binoculars on a time-sharing basis.'

'Hmmm' drools Manish.

'I would then zero in on a hot babe when suddenly the view would catch someone else - a guy actually, in the girl's room'

'We arent interested in guys.' says Manish. 'At least I'm not'.

'Me neither' I said throwing him a dirty look. 'But all the same, my natural curiosity takes over, and I focus the binoculars on him'.

'And' says Manish impatiently.

'It is Kaushik.'

For a minute, we laugh like idiots, scaring away the nearby stray dogs and inviting dirty looks from the passerbys.

'It wouldnt make sense for us to charge him for the binoculars if he's gonna be part of the scene most of the times, would it ?'

When we finally calm down we find that we are almost home. We find an auto standing right in front of the gate.

A normal phenomenon except for the fact that it had a not so happy auto driver in it.
In fact, he looked irate. Grumbling, he gave a final look of irritation at the house, and drove the auto away.

I looked at Manish and found him looking at me with a slight smile.

'Amit is home'.

'Yes. I think he just arrived'.

Amit is an auto driver's nightmare.

A Hyderabadi auto driver (for that matter any Indian auto driver) would always assume ignorance on the part of his passenger, and would do either of the two things.

• He would switch on the meter, and would take the auto through the longest way possible, accomplishing a mini city tour in the process.
• If the passenger is not particular about the meter, he would decide upon a price and would take the auto through a million short cuts and get him to his destination in a matter of minutes.

Not so when Amit is the passenger.

Amit would get the driver to switch on the meter and would direct him through nooks and crooks which even the driver would be unfamiliar with, and would almost always pay him about half the price which he'd make on some other passenger.

There were a couple of occasions when we had to save the driver from beating Amit up.

There were a couple of occasions when we had to save the driver from beating himself up.

There was an occasion when there was a large congregation of autos at a place. We believe that they were thinking hard to come up with solutions to tackle the Deshpande problem.

If ever you visit Hyderabad, and if you happen to take an auto please dont be surprised if you find his poster on the inside of the auto with the words 'Run away when you see him' under it.

Amit scares the living Jesus out of auto drivers. He really does.

Well, if you think that I'll close the post with this one, think again. I have a habit of saving the best for the last.

Check out the following snippet of a chat conversation I had with a girl. Lets call her Mary.

Oka: Wow, sounds great ! When would you be here?

Mary: I think we should be there by Saturday morning.

Mary: Hey, I would need directions to your place.

Oka: Yeah. I'll tell you how to get here. Dont worry about all that.

Oka: Wait a minute.. you arent gonna land up so early that he'd still be in his bed in his underwear, are you ?

Mary: Oh, I wouldnt mind that at all :)

Oka: What ???

Mary: In fact, it would be well worth the visit !

Never knew that Kaushik had this sort of a reputation.